Overwhelmed and frazzled

This is a reflective post on what has been happening the past week. Last Thursday night Joel called on his way home from work saying his car was acting funny and that he wasn't sure he would make it home. His route that day drove him past our mechanics, so he thought he should just drive it there and I should pick him up. Well, he never made it to the mechanics, the car died getting off the highway and would not restart. So I picked him up on the side of the road and we had the car towed the 3/4 mile or so he was from the shop.

On Friday, we got the call, we weren't expecting great news, but the news we received was even worse than "not great." His engine was blown. It could be replaced, but the cost of fixing the car was greater than the value of the car by several thousand dollars. WOW, we were not expecting that!

I feel like God has abandoned us. It's been very emotional and depressing. Our financial situation is very grim and we are scraping by one day at a time and so far God has sustained us, but this seemed like the final nail in the coffin, as the saying goes. How can we be down a car? We can't afford a new car for Joel. It is possible for him to drive the van to appointments, but it doesn't seem wise when you factor in gas mileage and wear and tear on a van that is already sputtering and spitting and in need of a good check up.

I don't know what to do or where to turn or what to believe or how to feel. Emotionally I was a wreck on Friday and Monday and now I just kind of feel numb. I don't want to think about it, I don't want it to be our reality. I feel lost.

The other major factor is looking ahead in our financial future and feeling like we are on the brink of something very negative. Joel needs a new job, but there doesn't seem to be anything in the works that would work for him. The offers we've received so far don't seem a ton better than where we are and the only jobs that might be better financially seem like they would be death to our family life. I realize it is sometimes necessary to make sacrifices in order to get ahead, but with 5 kids to care for I need a husband who is available to share in some of the household/childrearing responsibilities.

Should we look into a second job for Joel or a part time job for me? I don't know. What is out there right now doesn't seem like the right fit. Jobs I've been offered are daytime jobs and we don't have a child care option. Joel has considered a paper route, but isn't sure about the 7 day a week 3 am commitment. We want to be wise with our time, I want to trust God has a plan, I want to have faith that He won't fail us. I don't know if I can take much more.